Year of rat.

The year of the rat. It's coming. Very profound. If you are rat you are compatible with Sheep, Rhinoceros and disease-vectoring Flea. You enemies are Wombat.

HNY four reels.

Cinematic Sadism

Let us go then, you and I, to sit in the Alamo Drafthouse for 12 hours straight. Let us bathe ourselves in the pungent aroma of bodies too long pent up in parents' basements and then pent up too long in a movie theatre where dining is sanctioned. Let us not feel the urge to poop.

Pray you don't neglect the bed sores on my ass, pray you recognize me when it is through. Pray they don't discover the fifth of Dickel stowed snug next to my dickel. Pray my dickel behaves when Kurt Russell is on the screen. He was amazing in Overboard...and Captain Ron.

Thirteen A Couple of Ways of Advertising a Candy Bar

V.
I do not know which to prefer,
The beauty of peanuts
Or the beauty of nougat,
Two men kissing
Or just after.

XI.
He rode over Connecticut
In a glass coach.
Once, a fear pierced him,
In that he mistook
The kissing of men's lips
For candy bars.

Thanks to Wallace Stevens for allowing me to appropriate pieces of this poem. Insurance rules. Get ye to Hartford weary souls and worry not of homosexual candy bar experiences.

Taint the taste of it...

It certainly has been a while since some quality nonsense has graced this virtual space... and it will probably still remain that way for even longer. It's not that I don't appreciate the three to four people who enjoy what spews forth from my brain. I've been busy, you know what kind of biz I am capable of getting up to, so please don't hate. Bloggings will happen for us again one day... I know they will.

I'll be on TV tonight announcing the biggest loser and be sure to catch me in theaters this spring rubbing my crotch by your date's head. I will also be going back in time to 1992 Baltimore and appearing on the Greggo and Moe show on 98 Rock, mornings. Pre-pre-Kirk, Mark, and Lopez, bitches!

One love. One crazy eyeball. Joseph Hill, 1949-2006, please rest in peace and give Jah-Jah a kiss for I.

I stole this picture because it is amazing.

Swam into ken...

It has come to my attention, thanks only to rigorous research conducted on my own, I mean, somebody could've told me you know I love shit like this!, that there is, in fact, a new Police Academy movie in the works. This could come to theatre-based fruition by 2007. Were I woman and in panties they would be moister than a freshly sealed envelope. Since I am a man I have a big boner, throbbing with the knowledge that this full-length feature will not be released straight to VHS cassette or DVD, that Matt McCoy will yield the leading man reigns to Steve Guttenberg, and that the memory of David "Eugene Tackleberry" Graf will not go unserved. Throbbing. It is my goal to attend the formal opening of this magnificent film regardless of where it takes place, NYC, LA, Miami Beach, Moscow, wherever.

Have a great weekend.

A September to Remember, or See With Your Eyes AND Your Hands

Autumn will be here shortly. Can't wait? Well here are some things to do while you wait for the season that is best known as the season that killed aspiring poet John Keats. First up, watch that movie where the girl says to Keanu Reeves: "I will teach you within a month to love... please fuck my dog and let me die in peace."


Are you ready for some Football???!!!???
I sure hope so cuz. The season's been going on for three months now. The BC Lions are really zipping ahead, but don't count out the Winnipeg Bluebombers. One thing's for sure: Hamilton Tiger-Cats suck dick! September football is going to blow your mind.

Get your drink on!
Do you like drinks? Let's just go ahead and do it... I hearby proclaim The Chocotini the drink of this September. And why the fuck not? It's like a chocolate martini. You can put as much malt as you want in your liquor, I'll be getting sweet-wasted in style, bitch. I don't know why you refuse to enjoy your September.

Oh, what? You hungry? I've got even better news. You get your ass all chocotini wasted and now you all hungry? No problem, just head your ass down to the McDonald's. They've got what you need and it's the official restaurant of September.

Double cheeseburger? Check! Fish sandwich? Check! French fries? Check! Hot apple pie? Check! A hunger for affordable food and world domination? Maybe, just throw in some MackNuggetz and I'll do whatever you say!

Accept no imitations...

An Open Letter to Gregory "Eye-Sacks" Isaacs

How are you doing today? Good? Your eyes look irritated. You must be allergic to dust. I don't know what it is about your voice, but it reminds me of sex. I'm sure people tell you that all the time.

What is your favorite comfort food? I'm guessing it's something sweet or maybe fish head soup. I wish I knew more about you, but I'm guessing the sex voice thing covers most of the bases. I really like reggae, not just Bob Marley. Will you be coming to Texas anytime soon? I hope so.

Any big plans this weekend? It should be a nice long one. I bet you've got bitches pouring out of the faucet and shit. That's pretty tight, maybe a little tropical hootchie party complete with mangotinis and sand... nice.

What do you think of Shabba Ranks? What's he even up to these days? He's such a reggae poseur. Oops! You guys are probably friends. I mean, Jamaica isn't that big. He's got a funny face though and his voice doesn't remind me of sex. One thing's for sure: I bet you both hate Dave Matthews Band and that's cool.

We've got this thing in the States called R. Kelly. Basically it's this dude who pees on girls, sings urban operas in very literal terms, and so on. You and Shabba might get on real well with him, but I'm not so sure. If Shabba's not too busy maybe he could go over some tracks with R. Kelly all dancehall stylee. That would be cool. Did I mention I like reggae? For serious, I do, not just Dennis Brown and, well, you. Hey, it's been great writing this to you Mr. "Cool Ruler."

Hope we get up real soon, in the mean time just keep doing your thing...
All the best,
Adam.