Hustlaz Name Head Coach, Coaching Staff
Josip Broz Tito, Head Coach
Think of Coach Tito and you should automatically think "balance." No other figure was capable of striking a successful medium between dialectically opposed factions: Communists and Capitalists; Serbs and non-Serbs. It is the hope of the Hustlaz front office and GM Wellington that Tito can apply the same principles of balance to the team: offense and defense; pass and run; blitz and cover; hookers and coke.
This morning's press conference featured a characteristically charismatic Tito. Resplendent in his military attire he assured the press that he will not "tolerate any nationalist insurrection in the locker room" and that his players would be able to freely travel throughout the west. Never seeking to disappoint Tito also stressed that fans can expect some "razzle dazzle" in the form of gimmick plays and a strong, supportive communist bloc-ing scheme.
Haile Selassie I, Assistant Coach, Defense
His Imperial Majesty, Haile Selassie I, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, the Most High will be set to run a defense that will tap his courage and harken back to the defense of Ethiopia from the threat of fascist Italy during the '30s and '40s. Direct Descendent of King Solomon, Selassie I enjoys a laid back approach to coaching. Never will he, Ras Tafari, seek to overdiscipline his team, but more nurture them to become spiritual warriors. Quarterbacks beware!
Bag of Skittles, Assistant Coach Offense
An unorthodox choice at offensive coach, Bag of Skittles is usually known for residing in convenience stores and waiting for you to buy it and eat its contents. Expect an explosion of flavor when Bag of Skittles starts calling plays, will it be "grape" on first down or will it be "lemon?" Who knows with this tricky son of a bitch?