JarJarBlogs

No nonsense nonsense practically everyday and nothing Stars War related, promise, except '80s missile defense programs.

28 July 2006

Hustlaz Name Head Coach, Coaching Staff

Josip Broz Tito, Head Coach
Think of Coach Tito and you should automatically think "balance." No other figure was capable of striking a successful medium between dialectically opposed factions: Communists and Capitalists; Serbs and non-Serbs. It is the hope of the Hustlaz front office and GM Wellington that Tito can apply the same principles of balance to the team: offense and defense; pass and run; blitz and cover; hookers and coke.
This morning's press conference featured a characteristically charismatic Tito. Resplendent in his military attire he assured the press that he will not "tolerate any nationalist insurrection in the locker room" and that his players would be able to freely travel throughout the west. Never seeking to disappoint Tito also stressed that fans can expect some "razzle dazzle" in the form of gimmick plays and a strong, supportive communist bloc-ing scheme.

Haile Selassie I, Assistant Coach, Defense
His Imperial Majesty, Haile Selassie I, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, the Most High will be set to run a defense that will tap his courage and harken back to the defense of Ethiopia from the threat of fascist Italy during the '30s and '40s. Direct Descendent of King Solomon, Selassie I enjoys a laid back approach to coaching. Never will he, Ras Tafari, seek to overdiscipline his team, but more nurture them to become spiritual warriors. Quarterbacks beware!

Bag of Skittles, Assistant Coach Offense
An unorthodox choice at offensive coach, Bag of Skittles is usually known for residing in convenience stores and waiting for you to buy it and eat its contents. Expect an explosion of flavor when Bag of Skittles starts calling plays, will it be "grape" on first down or will it be "lemon?" Who knows with this tricky son of a bitch?

27 July 2006

Dream Team Assemble!

Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington (GM)
Who better to head a team of dreams than Field Marshal Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington? After successfully dispatching Napoleon from the continent, twice!, and ministering Great Britain in a primely fashion, "The Duke" just inked a deal to be the General Manager of the PGC Hustlaz. After several years of retirement and being dead, His Lordship felt like taking the reigns of a football organization that owes its existence to the fancy of a mentally challenged blogger.

At his press conference The Most Exalted Commander of the 19th Century was quoted as saying "As long as the team is one third Irish, no more no less, we cannot lose! It may be difficult, but I assure you it will not be as difficult as pushing those filthy Frenchman through Iberia and over the Pyrenees! We will ally ourselves with the Prussians and rely upon our oldest ally, Portugal, to furnish a foothold for victory."

We are assembling a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude

In the coming week or so, or whenever I get around to it, I wish to assemble MY dream team football squadron. This won't be your run of the mill team of contemporary superstars or all-time greats. It is my wish to staff a roster using the unbound logic and free form association of actual dreams. Please keep posted and, as always, you have my gratitude.

For the Love of Comedic Devices, or What I Like

Some ONE is reading this, and that's great. Considering that the ONE is a writer for the choicest sports periodical of our time is pretty impressive, eat that real Jar Jar blog, so color me grateful. In light of the last post of yesterday about the Steely Dan, who should stop it in the studio and find a mic in front of a brick wall somewhere, I figured "Hey, I'm getting older, maybe it's time to take it easy."

And since irony is dead and jokes are not to be "gotten," I issue forth the essence of man, well this man at least, just to give you an idea of where I'm coming from.

This is some stuff that I like, or that pleases me:

Ham,


Cinderella, the band,


sports, I do like sports,


UTZ Potato Chips, mmm, I really do enjoy a chip,


and wiener dogs.

That's what I've got. I do like other stuff, but I just can't think of it now. I'll let you know when I do. The real humor of this world is to be found with the crippled and the homeless.

26 July 2006

The Dildo from that Movie

So the guys at the Steely Dan are dissatisfied with the Wilson brothers. They've expressed this in a letter. I posted this open letter from Generations X, Y, and Zero in the comments section at Austinist... please enjoy, but read their letter first:

Dear, like, Don and, you know, Walt, man:

This is generation x, or, like, y, or, you know, zero, hu-hu,

-hey, pass the bong dude.
-shhhh, I'm writing a comment.

Anyways, um, what? Oh yeah, thanks for patronizing two actors in the most, like, hilarious way. You know what though, you should like totally give back your band name then you hippy-crites...

-Ewww, burn. You carried those dirty old bitches to the curb.
-I know right, but shut up I'm totally not done.

Um, right, so yeah. You need to fess up for taking the name of your band from the dildo in Breakfast at Tiffany's, Harry Truman is rolling in his grave ever since you picked up a guitar, before you can trash the hero of Shanghai Nights and his brother, the dude who dates the superchick in that movie.

-Jackie Chan is an alien man.
-You're an alien man, now shut up.

So why don't you old dudes bring your stationary and pens and, you know, like come down to the Supertramp concert, whenever that is, and we can hold hands and stick Dupree swag in your butts, you know, nothing you wouldn't want to do anyway. Then we'll take you to, like, a bar and make veiled threats referencing large eastern European antagonists. Then you can apologize on, um, News Channel 8 in the morning for being washed up, like, douchebags, man.

All the best,
generation not yours.

14 July 2006

Jar Jar Keeps it Real

Great news! There is actually a real Jar Jar Blog. That can tell you what JJB is up to as of January 12, 2006. It's terrib... ly ENTERTAINING!

13 July 2006

Intro to Shameless Self Promotion

I love the blogging and I could love you... if you treat me right. My office job is dry and boring so I write for Austinist.com. Here are some instances of me telling you what you should and should not like:

Tapes n' Tapes

Londonstani is a good book.
So too are Man of My Dreams and Absurdistan.

Uber-nuovo intellecticon Ben Kunkel doesn't mind when trifflin' pubes interview him, nor does Gary Shteyngart.

This band didn't mind this review, the fans though... they mind. Weenies.

There you have it , there's more surprisingly... I'm very lazy... but it sucks worse than this crap. FEB stands for Flesh Eating Bacteria.