When Greatness Hath Been Obtained...
When I have obtained greatness, the greatness to which I am inevitably entitled, I will set about to do certain things. Of course a man of greatness must have his castle. I will move to the finest home on the finest golf course, preferably in the state of Delaware, so leisure and life can again be at one. There will no doubt be a billiards table, a home theatre with the latest stereophonics, a kitchen with every amenity, and relaxing, comfortable furniture.
Once the settlement is complete on my house, and it will be a speedy settlement as I can not be kept long from what I want when I am great, I will adorn my halls with only the finest cock pieces from the Ross and T.J. Max home furnishing sections. Their resplendent plumage will serve as a symbol of my virility and down home preference for farm animals. I am, after all, a humble, crafty man.
It can be inferred that my greatness will lead to overindulgence and, perhaps, spoil me, but is not one of the trappings of greatness being immune to pettiness? If there ever comes a time that I overstep my bounds or act not in accordance to greatness, I will sit and ruminate upon the fine cock pieces adorning my house and realize that I must know my place in the barnyard of life.
What of diversion or the arts? I will not just spend my days in my luxurious home and contemplate my beautiful cock pieces. Surely I will be as wealthy in culture as I am in greatness. For diversion I will purchase the Best of the Counting Crows compact disc and listen to their greatest hits with the utmost pleasure, aching pleasure. Indeed, "Mr. Jones and me" will have a wonderful time sipping on the finest aged wine, oh did I mention the wine? because it will be there and it will be the greatest wine available, and we will groove until the night gives way to the morning.
Greatness shall spill forth over unto the weekend. It is at this time that I will hire the Spin Doctors to play for me Counting Crows covers, just to compromise their impeccable artistic integrity as a testament to my greatness. For a band so great to forsake their generous catalogue of hits and adopt the works of a group only slightly greater may gall them, but it is for my diversion and love of Jonathan Spindoctor's rugged voice. Appropriating the lilting, graceful lyrics of Adam Dirshowitz will break Joe Spindoctor's heart and mine at once. No moment of the weekend shall be without greatness.
My physique will also metamorphose to reflect my greatness, but not without a little work. That is why I will be personally trained by the greatest bad boy action star of this, or any time: Jon-Clod-Vann-Dam. We will take it to the streets, jogging untold, long distances. My basement gym will be furnished with golden weights for maximum heaviness to promote ultimate muscle growth. We, Jon-Clod and I, will jump rope with heavy golden chains, again for maximum heaviness to ensure peak cardiovascular health. When we are finished with our workouts he will provide live commentary to VHS cassette versions of Bloodsport, Lionheart, and Kickboxer II, despite the fact that he did not appear in the latter.
I will travel, not only to share my greatness, but to learn more as all the greats of the world have always been cultured and well-traveled. My travels will take me to the most exotic locales of California. I will get to know intimately the west coast and its renowned laid back attitude, but I will refuse to let it take me over. I will travel to Mexico, Canada, and the U.S. Virgin Islands. I will visit Africa and trek the rugged lands to reach its capital and then I will sojourn to the foothills of Himalayas and pray with the Scandinavian monks. Then I will return to my abode to discover that greatness will be wherever I am to find it and it will be the most profound moment in my life of greatness.